


use your hands and my spare time

by iwritetrash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Pining John, Unhappy Ending, alex is an ass, vague smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 16:59:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11627889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: John can't find it in him to turn Alex down, even though Alex has a girlfriend, even though he knows Alex doesn't like himthat way, even though he knows "friends with benefits" is a bad idea when he's been in love with Alex for years...





	use your hands and my spare time

**Author's Note:**

> Vaguely inspired by Sex by The 1975

John isn’t really sure what draws him to Alex so much, what makes him want to do anything for him, what compels him to be willing to follow that boy to the end of the earth, but whatever it is, it’s a damn powerful thing. Maybe it’s something in the gorgeous shape of his body, or the way he speaks with such fervour and passion, or the way he listens like there’s nowhere else he’d rather be, but something about him has John head over heels in love.

But John made his peace with that a long time ago, back when they were just teenagers, and Alex was sleeping around with any boy or girl who was willing to go. And that’s fine, John’s accepted that Alex probably won’t ever love him _that way_ , and he’s cool with them just being friends. Well, most of the time he is.

But then there’s times like this when it’s just him and Alex in the beat-up pick-up truck Alex saved for years to buy, driving along an open highway with the windows rolled down and the music playing loud, and John looks over to see Alex, wind in his hair, smiling more than he has in weeks, and John thinks _God, I wish it was always like this_.

They aren’t going anywhere in particularly, so eventually they end up just pulling over at the side of the road and kicking off their shoes as the clamber over into the truck bed and sit out in the sun. It’s hot, hot enough that Alex pulls off his shirt, and the sight of all that skin on show is making it harder for John to focus. _Alex has a girlfriend,_ John reminds himself as he pulls off his own shirt, _Alex has a_ girlfriend.

It’s so easy to forget that when they’re lying in the truck bed, chatting and laughing like nothing else in the world matters, and every inch of John just wants to reach over and kiss Alex. But he doesn’t, because he’s had years of practice in controlling those urges.

When they decide to get back into the cabin, Alex puts John’s shirt back on instead of his own, and it’s a little big on Alex’s slim frame, but he somehow still manages to make it look good. How on earth he manages that, John will never understand. 

Alex is back in the driving seat, blasting old nineties tunes they both grew up with and singing along loudly and a little out of tune as he drives them back into town, the sun just starting to set behind them, and it’s like the kind of scene you see at the end of a movie. All too soon, Alex is pulling up outside John’s house, grinning at him because they both know John won’t get out of the car just yet.

“So how are things going with you and Eliza?” John asks, because if he doesn’t then he’ll fall into the trap of pretending she doesn’t exist.

“They’re going pretty well, she’s really sweet, and the sex is… Well, you wouldn’t expect a girl like her to be a dom, that’s all I’m saying,” John laughs with Alex, but he can’t help the slight twist in his gut.

“Well, I’m glad at least one of us is getting laid,”

“You’re not getting any?” Alex actually looks a little shocked, because look at the man. John is fucking gorgeous. Then his face takes on a different expression altogether, his hand creeping over to John with a smirk, “Maybe I can help with that,” And then he’s palming John through his jeans, and John is too shocked to react with anything other than a low moan.

“Alex, what the hell?” John stammers out, turning to face him incredulously.

“Shh, let me take care of you,” Alex whispers seductively, before gently tilting John’s jaw up so their lips just meet. 

Somewhere in the back of John’s mind alarm bells are ringing, telling him to get out of there, that this is wrong, and what about Eliza? He shouldn’t be doing this- but then Alex’s hand is undoing his zipper and reaching into his jeans and suddenly John loses the ability to form a coherent thought beyond _Alex_. 

Alex’s hand is slow, practiced, as it moves up and down John’s dick, the other hand sliding away from John’s jaw and down to gently squeeze his ass, all the while keeping his lips pressed against John’s as he gently fucks into his mouth with his tongue. John is moaning sinfully into Alex’s mouth, falling apart under Alex’s ministrations, his hands desperately fumbling for something to grip onto as he comes over Alex’s hand. 

Alex leans back with a smirk, grabbing a tissue from one of the door pockets to wipe his hand clean while John slumps against his seat, still trying to catch his breath, quickly pulling his jeans back up and doing up his zipper.

“What the hell was that?” he asks, staring incredulously at Alex and trying not to fixate on the fact that his lips are still pink and swollen from kissing John.

Alex shrugs, “Just helping you out. You’re not getting any so-“

“So you gave me a hand job in your car?”

“Was that not okay? I just assumed-“

“Alex, it was more than okay, but Eliza-“

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. And besides, it’s not like I’m fucking you, it’s just two friends helping each other get off.”

“Right.” This wasn’t some great epiphany where Alex realised he was in love with John. It was just a hand job. “Okay then,”

“Look, I get if you’re not okay with it, but maybe we could… do this again sometime,” Alex smiles, and, because John has no sense of self-preservation, he agrees.

It starts out small. The odd hand job, maybe a blowjob if one of them is feeling up to it. They don’t always kiss, and part of John wishes they didn’t at all, because then it wouldn’t feel so _intimate_ , like it was more than just “friends being friends”. Their meaningless drives usually end in at least one of them getting to orgasm these days, and John has to admit he kind of misses the way they used to talk before this whole friends-with-benefits type arrangement. Honestly, John knows this was a bad idea, something he never should have gotten caught up in. It’s one thing to catch feelings during the deal, but it’s another thing to already have feelings and to make the deal anyway, and it’s another thing altogether when the person you made the deal with is dating someone else, someone who is lovely, and sweet, and who _definitely_ deserves better than this.

But when Alex starts kissing John and moving his hand down John’s chest towards the waistband of his pants, it becomes far too easy to forget all that.

When Alex asks John to fuck him, John almost chokes on his own spit. He’d figured that this relationship (whatever it was) was never going to get that far, hands and mouths only, but then Alex had begged John to fuck him with John’s hand around his dick and how could John say no with Alex sprawled out on his truck bed, begging for him.

“Lube?”

“in the glove compartment,” Alex panted.

“Do you just have some stored everywhere, y’know, just in case?”

“You know it baby,” Alex grinned at him. John’s heart fluttered in his chest a little as he hopped out of the truck bed to walk around and grab the small bottle from the glove compartment. They’d driven well out of the way, along a side road a long way from town where there was no chance of them being spotted, but fucking right there in the open? Well, that certainly added a little bit more excitement to the mix. 

“You sure about this?” John asked as he slicked up a finger, a little sceptical about the step he was taking with Alex. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to go back after they did this. 

“Shit, John, just fuck me already,” Alex groaned, and John lost any ounce of self-control. He prepped Alex thoroughly, slowly enough to have Alex writhing and begging for him before he’d even fucked him. It was a pretty picture, Alex all laid out for him, needy and slicked up with a sheen of sweat. 

“You ready?” John asked as he pulled out his fingers, lubing up his dick and looking to Alex for permission.

“I’ve been ready for the past half an hour, just get inside me,” Alex huffs, and John laughs and slides into him with one quick thrust.

John realises too late how intimate it feels, to be fucking Alex, to be kissing him, to be smiling and laughing as he fucks his best friend in the whole world, the man he’s been crushing on for god-only-knows-how-long. It feels way too much like they could be a couple. 

John knows it’s not healthy for him, to be fucking Alex, pretending it means nothing when it means _everything_. John knows he only stands to get hurt in the end, when things eventually go sour, when Eliza finds out, or Alex gets bored. Whatever happens, Alex will probably be absolutely fine, and John will be left to pick up the mess he made.

When they finish, John rolls onto his side next to Alex with a grin, pushing away the doubts which had begun to surface, because he can’t stand to give away the small morsels Alex allows him.

“You fancy fucking me next time?” John asks, a little breathless, but the smile slides right off his face when Alex tenses up a little, pushing himself upright to fumble around for the tissues he keeps on hand.

“Look, John, I, uh,” Alex stammers a little, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“What do you mean?” 

“It just seems like a step too far, y’know?”

“Alex, you have a girlfriend, everything we do is a step too far,” John tries to keep his voice even as his post-sex haze fades away.

“Yeah but there’s a difference. Eliza can’t fuck me the way you do, but I can fuck her so-“

“That’s the difference?” John’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead incredulously, “She can give you a blowjob, but you still thought that was okay, huh?”  
  
“It’s just not right to-“ 

“None of this is right, Alex!” John snaps, and Alex leans away from him in shock, because John has always let Alex call the shots here. “You’re cheating on your girlfriend, so don’t come here being all high and mighty about what is and isn’t right. Whatever we do, it isn’t right, because you’re still dating her!” He can tell he’s toeing the line. He and Alex don’t fight often, but John isn’t about to let Alex get away with this shit. 

“Don’t act like you’re not a willing accomplice, John, you _love_ this. You love fucking me, and blowing me, and kissing me, and getting off on my hand, so don’t act all high and mighty, you knew what you were getting into-“ 

“Did you ever stop to think that this was about more than just getting off for me?” John yells, and then he presses his eyes shut because he knows he’s said too much.

“What?” Alex asks quietly, confused, because evidently that was all it ever was for him. 

“Shit,” John mutters as he fumbles around for his clothes on the truck bed, “Look, can we just… not talk about this?” He huffs as he pulls on his boxers, grabbing his shirt and pulling it on. 

“What- no, John, what do you mean it’s about more than just getting off?” Alex grabs John’s arm as John tried to pull on his sweatpants.

“Alex, just let it go,” John pulls his arm away, jumping out of the truck bed and walking around to the passenger side.

“John, get back here, I’m not driving you home until you explain, and I know you can’t drive a stickshift,” Alex calls, and John snaps, because if Alex wants to know then why bother hiding it.

“I’m in love with you, Alex, that’s what.” John snaps, turning around to face him, “I have been since I met you. That’s why I did it. It was dumb, and stupid, and if anything it should have proven to me how much of an asshole you were, but I wanted you so badly that I was willing to look past all that. But the fact that you think that anything we’ve been doing for the past few months is okay-“ John rubs his hands over his face, before glancing back up at Alex. “It’s not that far back, I think I’ll just walk home.” John grabs his shoes and socks, pulling them on before starting to walk back. He was lying when he said it wasn’t far, but he’s pretty sure he can handle it.

“John, don’t be ridiculous,” Alex calls out to John as he starts to walk away.

“I’ll see you around, Alex.”

Alex pulls up alongside him barely five minutes later, dressed and looking a bit more put together than he had when John was fucking him less than half an hour ago.

“Come on, get in the car,” Alex speaks calmly, condescendingly even, as he crawls along the road next to John.

“No, you know what, Alex? I’m sick of being dragged around and toyed with like this is some big game to you. You’re messing with Eliza, you’re messing with me, hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had another poor lovestruck person on the side as well.” John retorts as he continues to walk forward, barely even sparing Alex a glance. He knows that as soon as he gets home he’ll probably start crying or something pathetic like that, but he knows he needs to get out of whatever toxic circle Alex has him trapped in. 

“What, you think I don’t care about you, about both of you? You think I just picked you for fun? I picked you because you matter to me John.”  

“You sure have a funny way of showing it,” John mutters without looking over. Alex huffs and pulls his car across the road to block John’s path. It’s dumb and reckless, but then again it’s Alex, so that’s no surprise.

“Would you just look at me when I’m talking to you at least?” Alex jumps out of the car to stand opposite John, who’s stood with his arms folded expectantly. “I didn’t set out to hurt you, and I’m sorry if I did but-“

“Jesus, Alex, you don’t get it, do you?” John cuts him off, “it doesn’t matter whether you mean to hurt me or not, that’s not the problem. The problem is that you _did_ hurt me, and you probably hurt a lot of people, because, if I’m being totally honest, you’re a bit of an asshole Alex!” John knows he’s going too far, but he can’t seem to stop himself, “You do everything for yourself, because you’re so selfish that how other people feel doesn’t seem to matter as long as you’re getting what you want out of it. You’re willing to push down whoever is standing in your way just to climb up your goddamn career ladder, or to get off, or whatever the hell it is, and screw anyone who gets hurt in the process, whether that’s me, or Eliza, or a total stranger,”

Alex just stands there and lets John yell, and it dawns on him that he deserves this, he deserves John’s anger, and he probably deserves the same from Eliza. 

“I’m sorry, John,” Alex whispers when John is finished, “I’m sorry I hurt you like that,”

“I’m not the one you should be apologising to,” Alex nods, looking down at the ground and kicking at it a couple of times. John knows that, regardless of how he feels, he’s not innocent in this, and he’s not the real victim here.

“So what now?”

“You go home, you tell Eliza everything, and you leave the rest up to her,” John speaks slowly, calmly.

“And us?”

“We can’t go back to the way things were before,” John shrugs sadly, “not after this,” John’s entire body seems to slump as he speaks, softening into something smaller, more delicate, more fragile. He’s spent all his energy, and now he is _tired_. 

“So-“

“I don’t know, Alex,” John sighs, and Alex nods again. 

“Do you want a lift home?” Alex asks quietly, and John just nods, pulling himself over to the passenger side and climbing in.

The journey home is the quietest it’s ever been. The radio hums quietly in the silence, and John can’t quite work out what station they’re on because all of the songs are at least thirty years old, but it’s nice. The sun slowly sets along the horizon, eventually settling into darkness which somehow seems to make the small cab seem even smaller, and, between the soft music and the darkness, it feels a little too romantic for John’s liking.

Neither of them breathe a word until Alex pulls up on the kerb outside John’s house. They both sit there for a moment, numbly staring straight ahead, before Alex reaches forward to turn off the radio and shuffles slightly to face John. 

“I really do care about you.” Alex’s voice is small, quiet in the suffocating silence.

“Not enough,” John whispers, pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek and hoping the darkness hides the tears that have started to roll down his face as he steps out of the car.

John can’t help feeling like this is the end. The end of what, he isn’t quite sure yet, but whatever it is it’s breaking his heart, there’s no way he’s letting Alex see that. He’d rather let his heart break when he’s alone in his room with nobody to tell him that he brought it on himself. John knows that’s true, but he’d rather not hear it, for now at least.

Alex watches John walk away with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he might actually have ruined one of the best things he’s had in his life. And this time it feels like it might last.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, or at least liked the concept then read [Too Hard to Stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11623065) by protectoroffaeries


End file.
